Down And Out On Love

Staggering pain.... staggering, excruciating pain.

"There's nothing more to say" she said, as she sat down on the sofa. "I'm sure you know everything already." .... there was her heart; one minute it was flying with wings of stardust and gold, the next it was shot down and crushed to the ground....



Unpublished Stories for Unknown Authors.

The Monster

This is a poem I wrote a few days ago....


She put down her keys and closed the door
She knew that she's been there before
All the hurt and all the pain
She watched it surface all over again

Like a monster lurking in the dark
Waiting for her aching heart
Sitting there with a wicked smile
He knows it'll only be a while

He's waiting there till the time is right
Until she's lost the will to fight
That's when the monster will attack
Pain knows no one can hold him back

The monster of pain knows he's strong
He knows that tears won't be that long
She knows it too, she's been around
So she lets go and hits the ground

A door inside her heart slams shut
Some broken dreams are just thrown out
Just another door that's slowly closed
Another room that got exposed

It seems a lifetime, still there she lies
On that cold, hard floor she cries
And as she lay there outside that door
She closed her eyes and cried some more

9 June 2008

To Emad

Guys are stupid. They have the stupidest way of coping with sadness.

Today one of my colleagues at work left for a 3 month vacation that could end up in him just leaving altogether if he finds a better opportunity and better offer in Australia where he'll be going for those 3 months. He is the most amazing person I've ever had the privilege of working with. He is one of the best people I've known on a whole lot of levels. He's very intelligent, religious and good at heart. He is intellectual and friendly and considerate; a real gentleman.

We girls handle sadness in that old fashioned way.. we looked sad, shed a few tears. We didn't make a scene, but we had tears in our eyes.

On the other hand, the way guys reacted to the whole thing was outrageous to me. They were making jokes about it, making fun of us for being too emotional, and all sorts of other indifferent gestures. They were unhappy. They just didn't want to show it, and they had the ability not to. That's how men are built, they just don't get too emotional. I'm not blaming them or saying that they are insensitive creatures who are incapable of being considerate to the way others are feeling ( although I wish I could say that and maybe I'd feel a little better then ) I know they aren't all that. I know they mean the best at heart and that's just their way of being all macho-man-does-not-cry-in-the-face-of-distress. I just think there are certain situations where they could just not do anything at all.. just be silent and let it all take its effect peacefully...


Emad, you will be missed by everyone here. And even though we wish you all the best that God has planned out for you, and we know that there is definitely better than here, we just can't help but have that little hope that you will be back at the end of those three months with your lovely wife and definitely adorable baby boy.

We'll see you soon.

Hmmm... What's That About?

So I bought more skirts, and I've been wearing them more often, with a silent T. Not OfTen, often.. with a silent T!

You see it coming, right? Random post ahead. Brace yourselves.

Mary Magdalene... caused a huge controversial dispute.. the whole book, The Da Vinci Code, was very controversial indeed. It was all full of nonsense when it came to facts about Christianity or Jesus Christ and anything related to all that, but it was a great mystery book and it kept us all anticipating the end with every page we turned. I got scorned for reading this book by friends who followed our Fathers' (father here refers to a priest) recommendations and "requests" not to read it. They were afraid (the fathers, i.e. the priests) that it would mislead us and confuse our information about our faith. Well, they have every right to worry about us. But you can't expect me to just do something for the sole reason that you asked me to. Oh, yeah, you actually do... what a surprise..(not really).

I don't really know why I wrote about that now. I read the book ages ago anyway.

What is it with fruits and vegetables? Which is which already? Why don't scientists, or whoever get to categorize plants for that matter, finally make up their minds about which plants are vegetables and which ones are fruits? They are so petty.

Petty.. Pattern.. what is with writing a double T when you'll pronounce it as "DR" anyway??? Humans are weird! "Pedry...Padrern"

Trends?

Hmmm, what should I write about this time?

It's been a while (as usual). I think that's a trend in my life. I get involved in something and then after a while I just forget all about it or put it aside, only to remember a while after that that "I was doing something.. wasn't I?". Does that have to do with my memory? Or is it all about me getting bored of stuff faster than the normal? And if that's the case, does that apply to every single thing in my life? Including the important things that simply can't be placed in that category?

I mean, if I create an account on some radio streaming site and then get bored of it and never log in again, that's not such a major issue. In fact, it's a dumb issue and if I give it any attension then I'm just as dumb. But if I go buy a car or a house and decide that I got bored of it and just want to change it after having it for a very short time, now that's a bit of a problem.

Let's take this to the higher level, where it could be a real problem....

Visualise this with me if you will:

I pick a great career and go the distance and start actually working in a good company, and just a little while later I'm considering a career shift. Not changing my job but in the same line of business.. Noo, that would actually make sense. A total change in careers is what I'm talking about, and it just keeps going.

Another drastic change: (and here, a good psychiatrist will tell you that this is probably what I've been meaning ever since I started writing this whole post, but was too afraid to admit it that I tried as much as I can to disguise it into just one of the many examples that merely explain my point) getting involved with someone, or just letting them know that you like them and then changing your mind a little bit later and not knowing why or how it happened.

Please note that I'm not saying this is happening to me right now. I'm saying it happened before and it's scary to think that it could happen again. Because you never know what could happen in your life. You could eat a certain type of food for an enterval of your life and maybe even consider it your favorite, and then all of a sudden it falls off your menu for no good reason, or maybe you decide to eat it a lot for the rest of your life and actually do that!
This wasn't a great "metaphor", here's another one:

You could do something once and never do it again, or the exact opposite; you do it enough times for it to become a trend. Like going to the gym, eating junk food, drinking massive amounts of alcohol till you pass out... Or liking someone and then not liking them anymore...

I sure hope this doesn't happen to me ever again. Ask me why...

Songs...

In this post I will just put lines from songs that I like. Random to an extent. Quotes and lines that ring through my ears and my soul as I listen to the song...



"Take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you. "

"She lives a life she didn't choose, and it hurts like brand new shoes. "

"Never want to be set free, The more you give the more I need, Can't change what is meant to be, No you can't change destiny. "

'I sit and talk to God, but He just laughs at my plans. "

"Everyone has a secret, oh can they keep it? Oh no they can't. "

"If you need to fall apart, I can mend your broken heart, If you need to crash then crash and burn, you're not alone. "

"This is where the one who knows meets the one who doesn't care. "

"I'm feeling like a Monday, but someday I'll be Saturday night. "

"She makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. " *

"In the words of a broken heart it´s just emotions, taking me over. Caught up in sorrow, lost in the song. "

"How can you be so far away, lying by my side?"

"I believe in Karma, what you give is what you get returned."

"I'm free, free falling. "

"You make me smile, please stay for a while now, just take your time, wherever you go. "

"I love him in every way that a woman could love a man, from personal to universal, but most of all it's unconditional. "

"I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart. "

"But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd. "

"I believe the grass is no more greener than the other side. "

"Free as a bird, it's the next best thing to be. "



That's it for now... I will leave you with this last one:

"There ain't no substitute for the truth, either it is or it isn't. You see, the truth it needs no proof, either it is or it isn't. And you know the truth by the way it feels. "




*(Because she's so sexy, not because she's scary)

9 Things Women Say

This email has been forwarded to me a few times before. And every time I read it I think to myself that this is Soooo true. Women do use these particular words/phrases to express these exact alternative meanings. So to all men reading this: Pay attention, because this will help you better understand what women really mean to tell you:

Little note: About number 8.. There isn't one specific word in mind, but anything you can think of that best fits the severity of the situation would be good enough. Oh, and don't go easy on yourself. She won't be saying darn you...


1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying %*#$ YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Diaries, Embassies And Falookas

Multi-topic-post :

- It's interesting to read someone's diary. Not their private diary of course, I mean their online diary, the one they have there for public access. It kind of feeds your curiosity without being nosy. Because one way or the other we all have a little bit of curiosity within us. At least I would like to think so, because I don't want to feel that I'm too curious and nosy.

- I was in Zamalek the day before yesterday and on my way to where I parked my car there was an embassy. I was curious to know which embassy it was because I didn't recognize the flag. So I stopped in front of it and took a look at the sign, then decided to ask the guard (3askari) that was standing in front of the building about it. He went silent for a few seconds and concentrated real hard to remember the name. And then a smile was drawn on his face as if he was secretly saying "Eureka!!". Then he said.. "The Embassy of Bab Zewela" ( that's the name of one of the fortified gates to Cairo in the Fatimid reign). It turned out that what he meant to say was Venezuela!!!

- So a couple of days ago I went with my friends on a "falooka" ride. A falooka for those who don't know it is an Egyptian name for a small boat that goes on little cruises in the Nile.


The man who was sailing the boat was amazing; He was really old, and he's from upper Egypt. His name was Shaaban. We asked him when we got on the falooka if he had a cassette player (they usually install cassettes that you put in your car in the falooka ) so we could put some music on. He said that they got so noisy that the coast guards told them to remove all cassette players from the boats. But he reassured us that it wasn't a problem because he had an alternative: he'll sing some ballads and songs from his home town. And so he did....

It was extremely fun to sit there and listen to him sing his songs and in between tell us his story and how he raised his 8 daughters and got all of them well educated and then happily married except for the youngest who is still in school. He told us about how his wife had passed away and is in heaven now. He told us stories about some of the manors on the river banks and who owned them... He was a charming old man in his own way.

OK! here's what I'm most excited about! A video of him singing one of the songs.

Enjoy :)

Shawsheska III

Madonna - This used to be my playground

"Dear Gwyneth,

How are you? It's been so long since you last came to visit me. Or at least it seems this way to me. I've lost track of time. It's so hard to keep track of days in here, sometimes I feel that It's a blessing. It's so hard to keep count of the time I've spent and the time I have left in here before I'm released. Time passes by so slowly that it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs whenever I realize how much time I have left within those walls.
It's OK though. I know I'll be out soon. I just have to keep my chin up and everything will be just fine...

How are Jeff and Scotty doing? How's their school work going? Is Scott studying well for his tests? I know how hard all this has been for him. I just wish he focuses on his future. Oh Gwyn I'm so scared that I might have ruined my own babies' lives... I blame myself everyday for what I've done. I can't help it.. it just tears me up inside.. the pain I feel is blinding.

Tell Jeff to be strong.. tell him that I love him so much and that he and his brother are the most important things to me in the entire world.. tell them that I'm coming out soon and I'll make everything right again.

Gwyn, come visit me soon. I need to know how you all are doing. I'm going crazy not knowing what's happening on the outside with my family. Or just call me.. it's really hard to use the phone around here, but if I get a call it's easier. We can talk for a couple of minutes just so I know that everything is OK.. because everything is OK, right?

Okay, I'll finish up then. Tell my boys I love them and that I miss them so much.. tell them that I miss taking them in my arms and hugging all their worries away. Tell them I'm coming home soon.... "

Nonsensical

One of the best things I've taught myself, is to never let anything or anyone control my mood. Sometimes it seems to others that I'm cold, indifferent or worse. But in the end it all comes down to this: No one feels the pain of having your sentiments controlled by others except you. So if you have anyway of avoiding that, so be it.

On a more cheerful note, Chad Kroeger and Santana's new song is Aaaaaaaa-mazing! Completely uplifting tune, very interesting lyrics, great music altogether. Perfect. Listen to it, it's worth it.
It can seriously get you out of any unwanted negative mood you're in.

Santana ft. Chad Kroeger - Into the night.

I need to buy more skirts.

The Magic Garden

I close my eyes and dream of a garden. A magical garden right in front of me. It's spread as far as I can see.
Take my hand and walk with me, into the garden. walk with me along the wavy brick paths paving the way. Through the dancing leaves of flowers with the colours of the rainbow, and the beauty of the stars.
Look into my eyes as we reach the tips of the magical pathway. Smile back at me... because you know what I'm thinking about like you always do. Nod at me and do as I do at the very same moment. Take off your shoes and take the first step with me, barefoot into the magical garden. Our magical garden.
We run together and embrace the leaves, but you never leave my hand. I am safe in your hands.
Lie with me and breathe it all in... we are one till the very end.

Listen to: The Cranberries - Never Grow Old

I'm A Gellar!

Don't we all think we'd be a Rachel?? Weird how things turn out :s

Which Friends Character Are You?
	You are part Monica. You have a go-all-out nature. Your friends better watch out, because you play to win. Also, when it comes to order and cleanliness, you're a bit obsessive compulsive. Your best trait, however, is your thoughtfulness. You go to great lengths to care for your friends.
	You are part Ross. You're intelligent and adored by your parents. However, your lack of social skills causes you to talk too much and try too hard. While your friends pick on you for your nerdiness, they better watch our for your rage.

Stare

The mind is a terrible thing. It thinks about everything and gets things all complicated. Sometimes I wish that my mind would just take a break, or maybe go on vacation. I mean I thank God for it and all, but.. sometimes it just gets too much to handle. You can't keep on thinking about everything so much, thinking of all the probabilities and options. Worst case scenarios, best case scenarios, the good, the bad, the OK, the predictable, the unpredictable, the surreal, the dramatic scenarios... the list just goes on and on and the mind keeps on thinking. And it keeps coming up with new scenarios every waking second, and even while you sleep. I keep looking in my mind for answers, I keep searching for reasons. It feels like I'm under a spell and I can't be liberated from the chains of my thoughts. You put me in the middle of a whirlpool and now you're watching me drown. See me fade away...

Mashrebtesh Men Nilha

This is a song By Shereen; an Egyptian singer I really like. She's singing about Egypt that I truly love, I wish we could all feel the same way about her (Egypt, not Shereen) and really try our best to make everything about her better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bB7Smz1rUBg

They Stole It!

I can't believe it. They stole the logo of my car brand right off my car! I'm not angry. It can easily be replaced, or so they've told me.. it didn't happen before so I wouldn't know. What I really feel is amusement. I'm honestly amused. Because I don't get it, I mean yeah, it will get them some cash.. and some people do need any amount of cash they could get their hands on. And come to think of it, I do get it. But it still amuses me what people would sometimes do.

Anyway.. it upsets me a little that I'm 99% positive that whoever took it won't do something good with the money.. but I'm just holding on to that 1%. You never know.

I Hope You Dance

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder, where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone)"


Thank you, Lee Ann Womack for singing it ever so wonderfully.

For everyone who gets to read this, I really hope you dance...

I Won't Say I'm Back

Yes, it's been a very long while. Yes, I've been away from my blog for way too long. and Yes, I'm supposed to right something insightful after this long time... But no, I won't say all the I'm back and I missed writing in the blog scenario. And no, I'm not going to write anything insightful.



Fiction is what you create in your head. You follow a meaningless thought and help it develop into a huge fantasy that you soon start to believe. You sink so deep into your own thoughts that you lose track of what's real. You confuse reality with the figments of your imagination until nothing makes sense anymore.

And Suddenly, without any warnings, you get hit hard by cold, solid truth! Nothing is what you fought so hard to create. Even when you're still not hit with the truth you can feel it deep inside of you. In that dark little spot way down there you know that it will hit you and shatter your world into ever so tiny little pieces. But even when you try to fix it and make sense of it all you realize that you just can't. It's too late now to untangle what you messed up over such a long time.

Why do we run away into our minds and create a lie and try so hard to believe it only to let it eventually mess us up? Why don't we just face facts and deal with them right there and then instead of shoving them aside and hoping they'd just disappear or go away as if they never existed in the first place? Because it just doesn't work that way. I hope it did but it just doesn't

S for Stupid

People are sometimes so stupid. They keep on making the same stupid mistakes and stupid gestures and never take a hint, or a hike. You state the obvious over and over again, until you bluntly take aggressive action to make your point reach their thick stupid skull, and still they don't get it.

What else should I do? How can I make it clear to you that being stupid is just not cool? It's .. well, stupid! Don't you get tired of being rejected? Does it not bug you that your sentences are being stopped short and you are never getting what you want out of the conversation?
I'm a free spirit and you've got the spirit of a grandfather! Maybe later in life you can play with my children but that's also far fetched because they will be more precious than to be thrown into your whirlpool of boring-ness..

Ughhh!!! stop sending me messages! Stop calling me! Stop initiating contact and maybe then you'll realize that I'm not even trying to initiate contact with you!!

In other words... F*** off!! Bugger off!! Go away, just go away! Could you? Just go away?

Oh! And why do you assume that people are willing and happy to hear you babble on about complete and utter nonsense? Why don't you ever just shut your irritatingly never closing trap?!

How can someone be as dumb as you are? Why the hell do you assume that you are something that you're not? You are neither significant in my life nor at all important to me, so pleaase pleeeaaaaase do not act like you are, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT!!

And what's with the completely lame excuses to talk to me? and about what? driving instead of you because your finger is injured? Are you for real? There's no way I'm getting in your car at all! I wish it were your neck not just your finger! what the hell is up there in that skull of urs? jelly???

Whatever... I'm wasting too much blog space on you.. go to whichever shiny spot in the universe away from me, STUPIDO!

Fi 7ob Masr

Sorry for those who don't understand arabic.. but I can't express the next lines in any other language...

" Masr asia awy 3ala weladha ya basha"... gomlet hend sabry fi 3emaret ya3qoubian. aktar gomla fe3lan bet3abbar 3an 7al el balad. 3an masr. e7na weladha we ben7ebbaha we mane2darsh ne3ish men gherha... di mahma kan ommena. bas ommena asia awi 3aleina. mesh asia 3ala kol el nas tab3an bas asia awi 3ala weladha elli begad. sayed we 3amm faye2 beta3 el khodar.. bawab el 3emara elli gambena we merato we welado... wel sett elli ad geddet geddety elli lessa leghayet delwa2ty betet7esher fel otobis 3ashan teroo7 te2dy masla7a.. we weladha elli rakbin el mowaslat el 3amma fi 3ezz 7ar seifek ya masr we shayfin men 7awaleihom 3arabeyat ashkal we alwan akher model be kol el kamaleyat we takyif 3al khaddein yehafhaf.. we homma malhomsh gher el 7amdolella 3ala kol 7aal we ya rabb el sawa2 mayetkhane2sh enaharda 3ashan nel7a2 newsal el gam3a.. 3ashan bardo manet3alemsh we netla3 menha 3al ahwa 3edel... we ma7adesh ye3edd ba2a el batala weslet le kam 3ashan mat2elloosh baraket-ha. "Masr asia awi 3ala weladha ya basha". masr sayba weladha yetbahdelo fel masale7 el 7okomeya we kol men hab we dab yematwa7 fihom yemin we shemal... wa7ed ad geddy leih yetbahdel 3ala eid wa7ed tany ma3addash el talatin sana a3ed regl 3ala regl we yermilo wara2o 3al ard we yeb2a baseslo be araf we ka2eno arfan 7atta yetef fi wesho.. we bardo ma3zoor maho bardo men weladek ya masr. We gherhom zorofhom a7san shwaya men welad masr.. menhom wa7ed shofto fi eshara men kam yom.. rakeb 3arabeya... yekhaliky lih ya ommena.. VolksWagen.. beatle, el khonfesa el adima.. howa we merato we 3eyalo el talata elli mazno2in 3ala kanabet el 3arabeya.. el 7amdolella eno fih 3arabeya.We mesh lazem abtedy 7atta atkalem 3ala 3asaker el moroor elli men awel el nahar le akher el leil wa2fin fi ay gaw fi nafs el za7ma elli e7na we7na fe 3arabeyatna elli fiha takyif mabnesta7melhash 3ashar da2aye2 3ala ba3d. wala hatkalem 3ala 3asaker el tashrifa elli beyzayeno el share3 belsa3at.

Oh Well, Too Bad

OK, so I have this little confession;

Ever had this feeling about someone that you wanted to be with them, even though you knew for a fact that it was totally absurd?? And down right impossible??? I'm not being clear at all. I know.

Let's see how I can put this... This guy I know, he's so attractive, he's got that star quality about him, not that little boyish Leo Di Caprio kind... The Bruice Willis kind. Of course, as usual he's younger than me ( why should he be any different from almost all my male friends ?!) and of course there could be nothing between us at aaalllll! But there's still this attractiveness about him.. Oh well. whatever!

You see, the problem with me (although I know it's not a problem, it's actually a good thing) is that I'm not the kind of person who would be with someone if it's not for all the right reasons. I don't do flings, I don't go for a relationship just for the fun of it. I really think it through before taking a step toward something serious.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not the "if you like me, propose and let's get married" type! ughh!! Those people freak me out! On the other hand though, I'm not the "Ok, I like you, be my boyfriend" type either.
I like to have some firm common ground between me and someone and then hook up and see where it takes us.


I've wasted my time and yours on this silly post. I'd better get back to work.

Later...