Shawsheska II

(for the best reading experience, read it while listening to John Williams - Schindler's List Theme - violin solo by itzhak perlman)



"Dear Diary,

I decided today to cut to the chase. I hereby admit that there is no such thing called love. I've been thinking a lot about it and trying to tell myself otherwise. I tried so hard to believe in it that it was becoming rediculous.

I always felt that love was so grand and that it was the most amazing feeling you could ever experience.. that it made you feel that no matter what happened that could get you down, there was always that part of you that was untouchable and always happy simply because you were in love... I was stupid.

I tried so many times to explain what it is but I couldn't because it's an illusion. People created it because we all want to belong to something so powerful, so invincible, so sacred. We all need to feel that we are more important than the whole world to someone, and so we convince ourselves that someone is more important than the whole world to us. We pretend to fall in 'love' and drown in our pretences and fly so high only to plummet and break.
Wether we get broken hearted because we discover that the one we 'loved' didn't really 'love' us back, or we fall right back out of 'love' the end result is the same: one of both parties took the lie a little bit further, or rather a little bit more seriously than the other.

So to hell with it all, I want out. Out of this stupid game of believing, anticipating, hoping that Santa Claus is actually real and that this christmas he will bring me the gift I've written down on the decorated piece of paper that I stuffed into the stocking on the fireplace... "

Lock the doors, close the curtains and just leave me be
There's no heaven, no bright angels, nothing else but me
Tears have fallen, pure hearts broken, pain as black as night
Cover all my shattered dreams and leave me out of sight

Paper-Work Heaven Part II

I should have written this on Thursday but I didn't have time to do that, then went away on the weekend so now....

I had two main things left on my list, the first one was "ka3b 3amal", so I went to the place where they do that on Wednesday, only to find that they needed 3 documents; my ID and a copy of it, my college graduation certificate and a copy of it and finally my insurance number. The first two were a piece of cake, the third one was supposed to be so as well according to the nice lady who told me what I needed.( she was really nice, friendly and smiled at me while talking, I almost thought something was just not right) She told me I had to go to the insurance office and just ask for that number. The funny thing though was that she told me I had to come back the next day because they were out of "ka3b 3amal" forms! Huh???

So I went to the insurance guys, went into an office that had a big glass cube with a bunch of employees inside it and some round openings in the glass through which we could talk to the employees. I went to the first one I saw and tried to ask her where I should go exactly to get that number, "Good Morning :)"... no answer...."Excuse me"... nothing, then she turned towards someone next to her and talked to them. So I figured she was not deaf or dumb. "Ma'am"...absolutely nothing.
What bugged me the most was that she was playing the "busy" part by sitting and typing stuff on an almost extinct version of what we used to call a computer way back when we didn't know any better. Honestly, who are you kidding??? If she had been nice enough to look at my ID she would've noticed that I'm a computer science major so who on earth was she kidding??? Not that I expect her to waste her precious typing time on me, but at least respect the citizens who walk by and see you doing that and at least had definitely seen a computer once before at some point of their wretched lives!

In a last attempt to get her attention or at least bug her a bit I bluntly called out "Ya 7aggaa" and still there was nothing from her side so I went ahead and asked someone else who directed me to the queue that i needed to be in.

After standing there for a couple of minutes, (it was just me and another girl and 7 or 8 men) some guy passed by and told me helpfully "why are you standing here? there's a queue for women over there.. go stand there " ( for the egyptians out there reading this and not yet bored, he said "fih taboor lel 7areem oddam! " I totally hate this word, it disgusts me huuuugely :S ugh!

This is one of the very few times that I appreciated discrimination in Egypt. I got the insurance number in 5 minutes instead of an hour and was on my way home. Went the next day and got the ka3b 3amal thing in 5 minutes as well. It was a stupid piece of paper that looked like an ugly receipt. What strange things they ask for .

Now I was done except for the very last thing that I had to get from the previous job: a document called form 6 that is like a release of obligations... just a piece of paper saying that I no longer work for them. It's supposed to be the simplest thing and guess what! I'll have it after one month because the manager says so. No other reason than that mister big boss says "I'll give it to you after one month of leaving us" Okaay! whatever makes you feel good (you CRAZY *#*&%@&#**#*#)

And I'm done! Yaaaaaaay!!!!!

Paper-Work Heaven Part I

Yeah, right!

Paper-work Utopia, where everyone greets you with a smile and a welcome drink, and then they adjust the AC just the way you prefer it until you are satisfactorily served and ready to go on your way. The service itself is beyond seven stars.. they know what you want before you even mention it. And before you know it it's done and voilà! home sweet home.

ALRIGHT! Snap out of it!! It's time you see the real deal (this is the perfect time to have an evil smirk on my prrrretty prrretty face)

I went to run a couple of paperwork errands today.. stuff for the new job and things that I should've done a long time ago.. I tend to leave that boring stuff till the very end.. y'know when I just have to do it. I had my ID done when I was 22 simply because I didn't need it earlier.
So the first thing I wanted to do was to renew my passport which was the easiest and nicest part of the whole thing. You go to an air conditioned hall, get a form, fill a tiny part of it and then give it to a nice lady who gives you two paper slips to fill out and that's it, you pay and get it either later that day or the next depending on how urgently you need it.
Then I started the other stuff...

I had to get a thing called "Sa7ifa Gena2eya", I guess rap sheet or something? It's where they get your fingerprints and then check your record to see if you have any prior offences. First thing I did was go yesterday at 12:15 to the booth that was designated for that errand. A booth!! I asked the woman sitting there about what documents I needed to get to do that sa7ifa thing. She replied in a Don-Corleone-like voice that I had to get the mumble mumble and a photo copy of my ID and a mumble mumble from the post office and come back tomorrow any time between 8 and 11:30 to do it. What kind of establishment finishes work at 11:30 am???!!!

Aaanyway, so today I went again at 9:15, found out what all the mumbles were from a different guy that was in the booth (Yesterday's woman must have been the customer support or something) then started my journey to collect mumbles from the PO, the police station and back to the booth to get my fingers smudged and ..er...printed? You know what I mean, or at least I hope so.


Documents List:

• Passport : check
• Rap Sheet: check

So now I have left the "ka3b 3amal". Its word for word translation is work heel which is quite bizzarre, why on earth did they call it that?? I have no clue as to what it states or what it is needed for, but they want it so I'll get it.
This document's adventure started today but is not yet complete. so I'll leave it to part two so that I give you the full story in detail.

Ciao for Now!

Oh and by the way, VIVA ITALIA!!!! Azzurri : campioni del mondo

Oracle, Here I Come !!

I keep trying to write a good beginning to this post, but nothing comes to mind... oh what the hell!

So, I left work day before yesterday. I had given my boss a one month notice a month ago ( what a coincidence, huh?) and Tuesday was my last day there. I thought I would feel terrible that day and that the gloominess would show and I would hate myself for it, but one of my weirdest characteristics kicked in and saved the day.

You see, one of the weird things about me is that things don't sink in as fast as they should with me. Like, a friend of mine would be leaving for a year or so to study abroad and I'd be all cheery about it and tell everyone off for making a scene and getting that friend all worked up about it until he/she actually gets on the plane and leaves. A couple of days later I realise the whole thing and feel terrible because I know that I'll miss them terribly.
Another stupidly bizzarre example is a friend's birthday or our prom. I'd realize the next day that it was so much fun and that I had the greatest time.

Back to the main story, I left that day all cheery and stuff after saying goodbye to all my friends and us promising that we'll keep in touch and the outings will increase significantly. And all the time and up till this very moment I totally feel that I'm just on a vacation and when I get back to work it will be in the same place with the same people. I guess it will all sink in on the first (or maybe second) day of my new job.

And now to the fun part of the quiting-the-job thing. I'm going to work in Oracle!!! yaaay! I'm so excited about it and so scared at the same time. Not that I think I won't be good at what I do, and not even because I'm afraid of meeting new people, because I already know four or five people there, one of which is going to be starting with me on the same day. I'm just scared because I'm facing a whole new experience with a whole new level of professionalism. Come to think of it, not exactly scared... a little bit on my toes is more like it. So, with my fingers crossed, I proudly say ORACLE, here I come!! :D :D

A Song

I heard a song a week or so ago and it stayed in my head ever since. It really makes you think about how we go about in our lives and how it should really be.
I won't talk too much I'll just leave you with the lyric and the song. Actually, I didn't want to write the lyric here because of two reasons.
The first and more important one is that if you read it without listening to the actual song it will lose some of its charm.
The second reason is that I looked all over the internet for it and couldn't find it so I went ahead and wrote it myself and there are a few words that I'm not so sure I heard correctly.

Anyway, you can find the song here.

PS. If at some point the link no longer works, you'll have to search for the song yourselves.(obvious, right?)

I'd appreciate any corrections in the lyric :)



India Arie - Wings of Forgiveness

Oooh

I just want you to know
After everything that we've been through
I just want you to know that I still love you
that I still love you

Yeaah

Had to go across the water
Just to find what was here in my heart all along
Spent so much time, trying to be right
That I was dead wrong
If Nelson Mandela can forgive his oppressors
Surely I can forgive you for your passion

You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgement
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness

Oooh, mmmm

Had to run to the arms of curiousity
Just to find what was here in my life all along
I have found that the art of simplicity
Simply means making peace with your complexity
If Gandhi can forgive persecution
Surely you can forgive me for being so petty

I'm only human
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgement
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness

I searched for romance, flowers and affection
What I found is a lesson of what love really is
Found the game of love is about how much you can take
But that authentic love is about how much you can give

After everything that we've been through
I just want you to know that I still love you
Want you to know that I forgive you
Thank you for teaching me how to give

And I want to let you know how much you changed my life
I want to let you know you taught me how to fly
And I wrote this song to tell you this
I'm better 'cause you taught me how to give

I took a swim in the sea of guilt and misery
To find myself on a island in the middle of nowhere
In my solitude I asked to know the highest truth
And what I was told is "To thine own self be true"
If Jesus can forgive Crucifixion
Surely we can survive and find a resolution

Let's keep it moving
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgement
And fly high fly high

Let's keep it moving
Let's shake free this gravity of commitment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness

After everything that we've been through
I just want you to know that I still love you
Want you to know that I still love you
Let's fly high

And I want to let you know how much you changed my life
I want to let you know you taught me how to fly
and I wrote this song to tell you this
I'm better 'cause you taught me how to give

I still love you, Want you to know
I still love you
Want you to know I still love you
And I always will love you
And I want to let you know that I forgive you
I want to let you know that I still love you
Want you to know I still love you
I just want you to know I still love you
want you to know that I still love you
want you to know I still love you

Oooh
And I want to let you know I forgive you
I want to let you know I still love you
want you to know I still love you
(till fade out)