Four Days

Two days ago, I was talking to a friend of mine and he told me that he took me as an example of what his dream girl would be like. He thought I had so many great things and that my husband was a very lucky man to have me. I knew that was not true, we don't show all our true colors to the people around us, so naturally there was a lot to me he didn't know, and if he knew it all he would definitely have a different opinion.

Yesterday, I was talking to one of our friends who really knew me inside out. He told me that I was so kind and forgiving. And that I forgave so many bad things that he knew that I had a good heart. Now that one struck me a little more. He really knew me, and yet he had that to say about me. I can't be all bad then. Maybe there's something good in me after all.

Today, after 4 days of not getting the chance to talk to each other because we're in two different countries, my husband got mad at me because I was upset with him. He was furious because he said "don't be sad" and yet I was still sad. How could I tell him that?! After 4 days of me being upset with him and him not trying to fix it, he said "Don't be sad"! How could I not jump with joy and instantly be OK?

Today When I told him that "Don't be sad" was not enough he got angry at me and wanted to hang up, because I was "over doing it" and my anger was "unjustified".


Four days ago I was OK. Three days ago I was slightly upset. Two days ago I was angry. Yesterday I was sad. Today I am heart broken.

Missing Heart

It's been 4 months and 5 days now. All I can think of is you, all the time. Tears stream down and there's no stopping them. I know it had to happen, there was no other way. Leaving was the only option, it had become the only choice.

Ever since that day, each day, a part of me dies. I can't help it, I just miss you too much.
I am strong, as strong as one can be. At least that's what I thought, but this is crushing me. I never thought I'd feel that way; like I have no strength to stand. I am a shadow, a mere skeleton with some flesh and a heart of stone. Why did you have to go and leave me like that? Don't you know it's killing me? Don't you know that I just can't take it anymore? I'm trying. I really am, but whatever power I had in me is fading away and there's not much left to keep me going. I need you. I'm drowning and I need you to rescue me........

The Following Day

I went to church today. I attended mass, said hello to the people I knew, got something to eat and left. I sat there in the car eating my sandwich and drinking my strawberry milk. I felt like a homeless person. Someone who lives in their car. It felt really sad that I didn't feel like I could go "home". I hate that feeling, but I can't help feeling it. I am not depressed because of it. For some reason God is giving me a lot of peace in my heart. Whenever I feel sad it seems to subside and I start feeling peaceful. I feel God's hand in my life and I am confident He is working things out without me having to ask. I do ask for it, every minute of the day, and I am confident that I can hear Him say "all in its time my precious girl". I am confident in You my Lord. I am confident that You have it all in Your hands and nothing in the world can harm Your children.

I am sitting here in our balcony, in the balcony. I don't want to go inside. All kinds of thoughts are running through my head. Why isn't he awake yet? Should I wake him up? What would I say? Just checking on you? It doesn't make sense...

Lonliest Day of My Life

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Part of my existence shattered to pieces right in front of my eyes. It was just like one of those near death accidents where you see everything going in slow motion and you feel so detached from it all, as if you are watching a movie in 3D. It's happening around you but there's nothing you can do but watch it unfold.
I see now why it's easier with a fight. With a fight you know what's coming. You shout, scream, yell at each other, throw stuff at one another and slam doors. Then you cool off, say you're sorry and it's done.
What happened was something else. Something you dread with people in your life, let alone the people of your life. How can your parents break up with you? The silence in the room was more deafening than the loudest noise. Statements were made that broke the household in pieces. The cruelty of it all was too much to take. Every white was tainted.

I trust there is a way back... there has to be.