The Following Day

I went to church today. I attended mass, said hello to the people I knew, got something to eat and left. I sat there in the car eating my sandwich and drinking my strawberry milk. I felt like a homeless person. Someone who lives in their car. It felt really sad that I didn't feel like I could go "home". I hate that feeling, but I can't help feeling it. I am not depressed because of it. For some reason God is giving me a lot of peace in my heart. Whenever I feel sad it seems to subside and I start feeling peaceful. I feel God's hand in my life and I am confident He is working things out without me having to ask. I do ask for it, every minute of the day, and I am confident that I can hear Him say "all in its time my precious girl". I am confident in You my Lord. I am confident that You have it all in Your hands and nothing in the world can harm Your children.

I am sitting here in our balcony, in the balcony. I don't want to go inside. All kinds of thoughts are running through my head. Why isn't he awake yet? Should I wake him up? What would I say? Just checking on you? It doesn't make sense...

Lonliest Day of My Life

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Part of my existence shattered to pieces right in front of my eyes. It was just like one of those near death accidents where you see everything going in slow motion and you feel so detached from it all, as if you are watching a movie in 3D. It's happening around you but there's nothing you can do but watch it unfold.
I see now why it's easier with a fight. With a fight you know what's coming. You shout, scream, yell at each other, throw stuff at one another and slam doors. Then you cool off, say you're sorry and it's done.
What happened was something else. Something you dread with people in your life, let alone the people of your life. How can your parents break up with you? The silence in the room was more deafening than the loudest noise. Statements were made that broke the household in pieces. The cruelty of it all was too much to take. Every white was tainted.

I trust there is a way back... there has to be.